How to stop reacting and start responding to create relationship with your children and loved ones
As we come up on the 11-month mark for the 2023/4 Parent Transformation Journey clients, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about what some of the most common challenges are amongst my incredible PTJ clients. And without a doubt, one of them is being able to hold onto the idea of “the otherness of the other.”
This is a concept I first learned about through the writings of James Hollis, at the guidance of my brilliant teacher Gila Golub. The concept more generally has to do with the idea of not taking anything personally. That is, as every single one of us is journeying along, will need to show up in certain ways with certain behaviours to learn the lessons that we are here to learn. This means that no matter how “outlandishly” your child is behaving, how “ridiculous” your partner is sounding, or how harsh your mother-in-law can be, none if it has anything at all to do with you…unless you decide that it does.
Wait what?! Usually, when I get to this part of the explanation, a certain feeling pushes its way forward for the recipient of my explanation. The feeling usually looks and sounds like a combination of defensiveness and an attempt to apply logic to what is maybe one of the most profound lessons any of us might learn. Comments like “So I am just supposed to allow him to carry on with that behaviour?!” are common. And really, who could blame anyone for thinking that?! We have been taught along that relationships are about TWO people figuring things out. But what if that wasn’t true?
Mostly what we think is that it takes two to tango. So when someone does X, we are supposed to respond with Y. If we “made” someone else angry and they tell us so, we are meant to apologize and seek to remedy that feeling for them to neutralize any potential upset in the relationship. Or if we feel super strongly about the offending sentiment or action, we then are meant to defend ourselves and convince them to see it our way. And if we don’t do these things, the thinking goes we are essentially “letting them get away with it” and cultivating poor relationship patterns.
Only, none of that could be further from the truth. Because when two start to tango – whether it is you and a partner, you and your child, or you and your mother-in-law – we are initially a little activated by the exchange. What do you mean I NEVER remember to take the bins out?! How could it even be possible that EVERY other parent let their kid go to the party?! Or maybe it is even just a thought like “oh my god what did I do to deserve this kid who will not sleep?!”
In all of these responses, there is a uniting thread. That is that we have taken on the behaviour or sentiment of “the other” and allowed it to be absorbed into ourselves. We are offended at the implication that we are lazy or forgetful, that we are the strict/mean parent, or that we are being punished in some way by the behaviour of our child. That is, those sentiments and behaviours no longer live solely with “the other” … instead we have onboarded some component of them as “part of us.”
And that right there is where most relationships tend to slide sideways. It’s such FREEDOM to quit taking things personally and to see the “otherness of the other.”
Maybe your partner hasn’t remembered on their own accord to take the bins out in weeks but what if that wasn’t against you? What if they just kind of don’t operate so optimally in the structure of routine?
Maybe your teen is super upset about you saying no to them going to the party and is now lashing out in frustration. But what if that wasn’t against you and instead was just a byproduct of them becoming their own person and also their still developing capacity to manage big emotions?
Maybe your baby is not sleeping for long stretches. But what if it wasn’t about something you “did to deserve” that – i.e. not against you? What if it was simply that your baby is super sensitive to sensory inputs and so is struggling to find rest in the experience of a world that is currently overwhelming their little system?
Can you feel in each of those re-frames how it shifts your energy? How do you surrender to what is rather than arguing with reality (whereby you lose, but only 100% of the time as Byron Katie so adeptly points out)? Can you feel how that shift in perception allows you to have a softer heart for each of those “others”?
And now – but only now – you are ready to respond. You are settled, centred in compassion, and not taking any of it personally. You can kindly remind your partner of the bins or have a reasonable chat about how you don’t want to do that ongoing and can s/he think of another system to stay on it. You can see and hear your frustrated teen and understand their experience of your “no” whilst still holding the line. You can step in to support your babe in sleep without the overlaying blanket of frustration or defeat.
You see, “othering” the other creates this wonderful little miracle – you get to be and do you, and you allow for the other to get to be and do them. And then, with your listening skills always at the forefront, you step into the situation released from the grip of negative energy, which then allows you to navigate that reality with true swagger, presence, and alpha. That is, you still step in. There is still something that is said or done. And, from a place of seeing the otherness of the other, you don’t take anything personally – you are released from the reaction and freed to the response.
So as it turns out, when you can quit taking it personally by holding sacred the otherness of the other, it becomes pretty clear that it only takes one person to have a good relationship. And the quality of the relationship comes from your ability to stay in your lane and work only on your own thinking. With that beautifully in place, the rest will look after itself.
PS In a career first, a gorgeous PTJ client of mine recently took my suggestion to carry a Q-TIP around with them (I often say stuff it in your bra or tuck it in your pocket) as a tangible reminder to Quit Taking It Personally to the next level!! She got it tattooed right on her finger so she will always remember the otherness of the other! Isn’t that the actual best??!! Q-TIP tattoo for the win!
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